In moderation...

Ah. Ash Wednesday is upon us.

My conscience was given a tiny twang of guilt the other week when E casually asked in the middle of a waiting-line conversation, "so, what are you giving up this year?".

I've never hidden the fact that I follow the lenten traditions of my family. We do the standard-catholic-deal each year:

1) no meat on fridays from now 'til Easter;
2) fasting on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday for all physically fit individuals between 18 and 60 years of age (i.e. one meal during the day in its entirety, also no meat), and
3) whatever other 'sacrifice' or abstinence you can make during the period of lent.
4) ... and Oh, also going to church tonight with the family to get our foreheads adorned with an ashen cross, in order to remind us of mortality.

SHORT VERSION PLUCKED FROM WIKIPEDIA (highlight to read):

"In the Roman Catholic Church it is tradition to abstain from meat every Friday for the duration of Lent, although fish and dairy products are still permitted. On Ash Wednesday it is customary to fast for the day, with no meat, eating only one full meal, and if necessary, two small meals also.[8]
Current fasting practice in the Roman Catholic Church binds persons over the age of 18 and younger than fifty-nine (Canon 1252). (...) On days of fasting, one eats only one full meal, but may eat two smaller meals as necessary to keep up one's strength. The two small meals together must sum to less than the one full meal. P
arallel to the fasting laws are the laws of abstinence. These bind those over the age of fourteen. On days of abstinence, the person must not eat meat or poultry. According to canon law, all Fridays of the year, Ash Wednesday and several other days are days of abstinence, though in most countries, the strict requirements of abstinence have been limited by the bishops (in accordance with Canon 1253) to the Fridays of Lent and Ash Wednesday. On other abstinence days, the faithful are invited to perform some other act of penance."

((If anyone wants a total lowdown, lookie here at good ol' wikipedia). )

There's no point specifying what that penance should be, as it carries different significance for each individual (even if mom has made various attempts to suggest what my and my father's candidates for vice are...).

Ever since I was a kid I've given up candy during this time. Now it's so second nature that I don't even think about it or make a conscious decision to give it up. In other words, it has become routine, and has thereby lost its meaning as a true sacrifice. But every year, candy and [something else] went. I.e., if I could identify anything as a vice, I would give it up. The point being that I should be able to exist even without little things that I enjoy or appreciate very much.

For reasons like this I have (in various configurations) denied myself coffee, cookies, snoozing, alcohol, sweetbreads, swearing... One year it got ridiculous, as I had given up about seven things simultaneously. In retrospect, I think (with some apt shame) the dominant point for me then was the sport of it.

Some years later, I came as close as I've ever been to having a midwinter/broken heart/job frustration-depression, and had the feeling that God could see and understand that the coffee, the snoozing etc. were little things I enjoyed, appreciated and desperately needed to distract myself from a lot of disgust with myself... But out of the blue, Lent (which I was giving up on, no pun intended) came as a saving grace. I decided very impulsively on Ash Wednesday to stop feeling sorry for myself, at least up until Easter. I think it saved me.

My perception of what the point of the lenten sacrifice is has changed. During my college years I would explain it to friends as a "way of training yourself to be stronger than your weaknesses and vices, and keeping a promise". Now that I think about it, there is no real difference between that and a New Year's Resolution, where you make the promise in order to gain something for yourself.

When thinking like that, I'm skipping the whole aspect of giving something up out of selflessness, which is something I have realized that I want to emulate. I think the best thing a lenten sacrifice can do for a person is teach you to live fully in moments where you just can't have everything you want, because that's bound to happen at numerous points in life. As Wikipedia implies, the point is to ultimately bring you closer to God (in moments where you might forget about him).
But how to emulate this?

So I have decided that this year, I'm NOT giving up all my vices, because that makes it so easy (and routine) for me to draw the line. Instead, I'm going to practise moderation, which is going to be much more difficult. I'll have to make a conscious decision every time one of my 'old' abstinence habits comes along, weighing what it's worth. I think it will make me think twice in every instance they occur. At the risk of sounding like a pretender, I think that this will be much more difficult, but perhaps it'll have a lasting effect...?

Also, the reason for this anti-resolution is that I'm trying to give something up this year that is a really big and difficult personal challenge for me, and trying to make it matter more by making it THE only sacrifice. People aren't bound to notice what it is, which I think makes it even more meaningful.

And what of the food-abstinence of Ash W? 'Course I'm doing it. ;)

So, I have so far spent this working day holding a methods lecture, which went well (in moderation) - fueled only by tea, and no greater discomfort as a result. I will now tactfully 'disappear' when my colleagues start asking if I'm coming along for lunch. The trick is to not start eating, actually, so your body doesn't expect more food to come. Don't wake the sleeping bear, as we suecos say...

I'm savin m'self for dinner.