Halfway

I'm pretty happy with myself now. Truly.

In the middle of first emptying and then slowly refilling my mind, I'm happy with how I'm handling things - imperfectly.
The best part of it is that I see a lot of good coming out of that.

I'm happy with being able to say that I felt broken a while back, but have managed to heal so much that I feel different.That difference brings me to accept that perhaps things weren't as peachy perfect as I insisted they were before.

I'm very happy to say that because I didn't manage so well on my own, now I know how good it is to get help.

I'm very, very happy to say that for having experienced this, I feel an easier connection to most people around me and to myself.

I'm safer. I'm more comfortable with being vulnerable, and therefore feeling less afraid. Even being hurt doesn't seem so bad anymore.Those feelings need to be acknowledged, but are signs of humanity. I now know that getting through a rough time is like wringing water from a rag - it's possible to stay damp for the longest time, or to wring the wetness out little by little. It's a choice, but at any rate you can't expect everything to come out at once. Some things need time to dry, and maybe a few more wrings to squeeze things out.  And feeling wrung out when you try hard simply follows.

Also, I'm happy that even though I'm in [deadline] trouble now I'm not losing my mind with stress, because I recognize that what I'm doing is time-consuming and should've ideally been done by more people than myself. It's a lesson. And that the only thing to suffer if I fail that deadline is my own prestige. A loss I'm sure I can live through, because it's a forgettable stumble in comparison to crossing the finish line.

So  I find myself filled with mild surprise that I feel good about having so much left to improve. This is work I'm looking forward to doing. The more I stop judging my worth by my imperfections, the higher everyone else seems to rise in my esteem. I don't need to rise above, rise against or dive under meekly. I think I can stand up to my modest height and maybe make a better introduction than ever, because now I've given myself the time of day.

So for being nowhere near the [work-related] finish line, I'm going to just give myself an encouraging nod for  clearing my mind, my way. Going back to work without this essay bumping around in my head tells me,  "Sure I'm imperfect, but I am getting good practice at making space for things."