Leaving eventually

I've never lived or worked abroad on my own before, but it looks more and more like it just might happen. One hitherto unspecified, but rapidly approaching day.

I've had hopeful discussions for some months now with a contact at Ryerson University in Toronto, about coming over for a research guest stint for 'some months' (which with time has increased from 'three-to-six' months to 'six-to-eight'). So at the back of my mind, the pretty little brain-child 'coming to Canada' has been forming slowly and I think it's just begun to open its eyelids and kick its little legs. But there has been a wall in the way - the whole stint will have to be on my existing swedish salary plus whatever funds I can raise myself. My professor, my family, my colleagues have all given their blessing; now all that's been left is making sure I don't go there and go bankrupt...

Well, recently I've landed two stipends [insert onomatopoetic joyful words wit a lot of Rrrr's here!!!], small but still enough to go across the ocean and manage; so the brain-child is most likely going to become a reality. :)

But I have to say that although I'm absolutely raring to go, and somehow with the feeling that this is at the right time in my life, I'm feeling insecure. In a way, everything's perfect. I'm single (thus won't be jeopardizing a relationship), healthy, appear to have the means and the opportunity, I have the wanderlust, the language, hopefully one finished academic achievement landed when I go, and a thrill of anticipation that I can do this. But still, I get occasional 'washes' of nervousness about it all.

Maybe part of that is the fact that I currently have no exact milestones in my life. I don't know what day I'm turning in my eternally postponed Lic thesis. I don't know when Our-man-in-Toronto (Hm, O.M.I.T.?) wants me to come over for the 'priming' visit before I MOVE (halp!) over the ocean to do the study. I don't know how big the study may become. I don't know how long I should stay there (although 'as long as possible' is a fave both with my Mom and O.M.I.T.) or how long I want to be there, meaning that I don't know if I should rent my flat out (meaning that I have to empty it, ugh)). Also, we haven't said exactly when I'm going (although 'probably april' has been the dominant idea so far).

Also I get the feeling that I'm chickening a bit because there are so many people here that I'll miss terribly. Number one will always be my little brother (which is the hardest thing of all, seeing as the only way he and I can properly communicate is face-to-face...). Part of me keeps feeling like I shouldn't leave, for his sake. Even if my head says different. And I'll miss terribly my close wonderful and life-reaffirming friends who have been with me to share my best live experiences in life.

Although at the moment, even if things are looking up so much that it probably will happen - I'm only ALMOST there. This needs a little more funding and exact dates before I can actually make this happen. Aaargh almighty, I'm only almost there. And that is probably the osmotic driving force that really, really wants me to cross over to total certainty that I WILL GO TO CANADA. (Just writing it is a tiny thrill, because there is no guarantee...)

Ah well. Cross your fingers/hold your thumbs/pray/hope for me that this happens and that I won't be too scared to go. Because I feel like this needs to happen.