Professional identity: Not relevant?

Recent musical discovery: Telmary Diaz from Cuba. Suave and crisply articulated, especially the song 'Marilu'... Reminiscent of Timbuktu, only female and in cuban spanish!
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I've thought about this for a while - and I figure it sounds like a dumb thing for a PhD student with 4 years left to say, but I can't say for sure what I will be when I grow up. (Everyone please check back with me when I'm 40...)

By grown up I mean reaching the stage when you can say with confidence, "I'm a _____." Western-nordic culture kind of requires that you identify yourself body-and-soul with something you do, rather than who you are related to or what you're worth (I learned this categorical train of thought in my Pedagogics course). Kind of like saying that you are your accomplishments.

I am supposedly an industrial design engineer- but I don't identify with it. I never worked 'properly' as an engineer or designer. My first job, as a technical illustrator was fun for 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't using any skills I'd learned from my last 4 years of schooling. I emerged a moderately wiser 25-year old, found a new job, baked a cake, told my colleagues adios, and quit.

I didn't buy a Chalmers ring to celebrate my graduation either - I bought a Canon printer instead. Knowing me, I figured there was less chance I'd forget it in a bathroom and lose it. :)

So after that first job mismatch, PhD:ing seemed a good idea. New things to learn, a linear career development, academic accomplishment, freedom, foreign opportunities! (Plus, it tickles me to know that after 5 years, a definite ending and a mystic future awaits... I must have job commitment issues.)

Now, a year into it, I know this: I love the teaching bit, I have discipline problems working on my own, and I have no idea which direction my research is supposed to be heading in. Whenever I frenetically ask my supervisors' advice about this, they all tell me to calm down and assure me that it's normal (?). But I'm getting what swedes call prestationsångest - the angst of not proving your worth (which, as I said, means doing things rather than being someone).

The thing they all say about one's first year as a Post-grad student is that you need that time to read up on your area of expertise, get to know the ropes, find a direction... It drives me nuts. But I consider my job a great blessing. It's just that for the moment, it feels like I've sidestepped from a clear working role (engineer) to become a "budding ______". Do I dare use the word... scientist? Moi?

But I'm glad I did. In a few years, if all goes well, I will be Dr. Berlin number 3 from my household. I wonder what comes after that...

(Cb)

PS: Yay, off to IKEA tomorrow! To buy a huge-ass bookshelf.