Stopping

I was struck by guilty conscience today - my dad's been driving me all over town these lullish days after Christmas, so today when we had dinner at the home of some friends of theirs, I volunteered to skip the drink and drive the family home afterwards, so dad could enjoy the clinking of his own wine glass for a change.

This meant I had to walk home by myself once I'd driven the family home, but I didn't mind. I felt like I would like (not to mention need) the exercise and night air, and honestly it's not such a long walk.

Thing is, during the walk home, I did something on a whim that was completely unnecessary, unprecedented and un-called for several times. I stopped dead.

Of course it's not important, a total non-event in fact. I had no reason to do so, and the first time I halted was to look at something twinkling on the ground (turned out to be a bolt)... but there and then, when I was standing still, not moving forward, onward, homeward, it felt... exciting. Nothing was happening, but I felt as if I was doing something illegal. I started walking, briskly, and suddenly I tried it again.

What I did was stop dead in my tracks (sometimes in mid-step) and just look around (I pass through a modestly entrepreneurial residential area on the way home - not many people, not much going on). But it felt strangely significant every time I stopped, which I did every 50 metres or so. Every time I stopped, I almost felt that this was out of order. It was as if part of my being hadn't understood that I had stopped and was already two steps ahead wondering why I wasn't moving. All I did was stop, listen to the sounds of the place I was in, and look at the lights in all the windows. It's amazing how many rooms we can see into on a regular walk in the street, and every single one of them has a different colour of lighting by night. It was still, peaceful, and a little mysterious, because I didn't see a single person in any window.

I started picking up a habit of standing completely still this way until a car would pass by, and then start walking again. I saw that sometimes people in the cars would turn around and look, probably wondering what the heck I was doing.

The truth is, I stopped several times because it was uncomfortable - it felt like I needed courage to do it without having an explanation ready. I know how I usually live life, always on the go somewhere... But tonight was as if I was challenging myself by stopping and letting time pass without anything happening. It may put my life in a very silly perspective, but for me it was mind-boggling.

The best thing of all: I knew that I had time for it.