1 dec (late, as usual): I've joined #reverb10

I'm writing this from a drained place.

Things have been tiring me out lately, especially the winter weather which some would call a perfectly beautiful Scandinavian winter - but I cannot lie, I'm not a huge fan. Winter invariably tries to freeze-dry my nose, rip my face to shreds (my skin doesn't do subzero temperatures well) or manhandle my lungs out, so with all respect - I CAN PLZ PLZ PLZ HAZ SPRING NOW? Last week culminated in the worst mofo of a cold I've ever had - I was totally floored for four days, in bed with no energy or desire to do anything but breathe through the cover (because the air hurt my nostrils). Still, this was actually kind of a Godsend as it allowed me a lot of well-needed zone-out time...

But anyway. I've never joined a blog challenge before, but I figure I need an injection of new influences since I've been looking back at my last few posts and realized that I'm even boring myself to death with their drabness. Apologies for all!!
The remedy? Me join #reverb10!(even if I'm so quaint that I'm not on twitter, Egad!)

Day 1 of Reverb10 was actually yesterday but since the challenge for day 2 hasn't come up yet...

So! The challenge:

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

For 2010, I pick the word rudderless. 

This is both positive and negative. Needless to say this year has been marked by my coming home from a lovely, fun time in Canada and the prospect of finishing my PhD studies. The time I spent in Canada (most of 2009) meant a lot to me work- and development-wise, as I was regularly and thoroughly checked on and followed up by my supervisor. No offense to my super back home, who is extremely nice and supportive (almost exclusively so), but I really felt that I flourished under the watchful eye and critical feedback of my Canadian supervisor Patrick. Knowing that MORE and BETTER was expected of me was, in a word, highly inspirational. Like somebody cared about what I was doing, and that I did it good.

To the point: I came back in early 2010 with a 'bucketful' of collected data and it was agreed that this material would constitute the rest of my research that I would present as my doctoral thesis. But the invisible catch that I didn't foresee was that now, nobody in my immediate office surroundings is involved with what I do research on anymore. I'm not collaborating with anyone, I'm not connected to any official funded research project, and what I do now is entirely up to me. All my deadlines are set up by myself, but I fail them time after time and still nobody calls me out on them. Some people would call that immense freedom, but the truth is I feel very lonely at work.
As it is I'm relishing the 20% of my job that is teaching, because I feel like it's the only time I get to interact with people (both colleagues and students), get expected to deliver certain things at a certain time, and to do it well - and I'm even enjoying collecting feedback so I can make things better. I'm nowhere near as passionate about my research, which to some of my PhD student colleagues is akin to swearing in church.

So when people ask what I'm going to do after I become a PhD, I really have no clear idea. Do a Post doc? Continue where I am? Work in the industry? In Sweden? Abroad? Change my line of work entirely? Noooo idea. The future after spring term is a mysterious, swirling syrup of possibility that both scares me and intrigues me - but the only certain thing is that nothing is for sure, and I'm kinda wishing for someone to tell me where to go next.

For 2011, I pick the word: direction.
It's a wish. I seriously want all these question marks about the future to have sorted themselves, at least temporarily, by the beginning of December next year. I want to know what to point at when I say, "I'm going there to do that today."
Here's hoping.