Superiority complex

My professor in Theory of Science quoted one of his professors (Re: the learning process on the way to becoming a systems theory scientist) in one of our classes recently:

"A certain amount of knowledge can make you very lonely."

Mmm.

I'm pretty sure this applies to more professions or conditions than that of scientist. Once you get into the really deep stuff specific to your cup of tea, you (or, I, at least) eventually reach a point where it gets very difficult to convey to some of your loved ones exactly how and why the deepest depths are so frickin' amazing. When the knowledge rests on so much internalized preparation - education, training or personal growth - that it goes straight to your spine, soul or fingertips, you know you have achieved a position to act as a creative channel for that knowledge. Beautiful as this is, it has a potential to separate us from others, unless we make sure we bring people along with us on the journey.

I'm not only talking about in the sense of becoming an 'expert' at some kind of profession (although I'm feeling a strong connection between this post and this post under 'Voice'). In time, if all goes well, we learn to handle and approach people around us respectfully and without compromising ourselves. Hopefully. But sometimes we get pushed to work really hard on those maturity-related aspects of ourselves, leading to a very rapid series of insights and a lot of cycles of acceptance, realization, changing of patterns and moving on, and... Whoa, suddenly you realize that you've gone round a corner!... sometimes without anyone seeing you went there. And you wonder where everybody is, and why they're not here with you already. Since you've gotten so far you get annoyed that nobody else has kept in step. (**Cue undertone of the post title here, like a passing shadow in a horror movie corridor**). Go back and see where everyone else is? Come on, whyyyyyy would I want to do that? They'll catch up soon. They should. Soon. If they know what's good for them.
-.-.-.-.-.- Hmpf. What's taking them so long?

Because of two unexpected rejections that I've been through in the past two years, I've become gradually conscious/sensitive/obsessed of the concept of being 'mature'. ( I suppose that this is where the stage 'conscious incompetence' kicked in...) From losing one of my best friends of 13 years because we have 'grown apart', to handling a theoretically very non-eventful breakup that still hurt for quite a long time, I have moved from thinking of myself as completely insensitive and clueless and... (insert self-derogatory string of harsh adjectives here) to realizing that I wasn't the only one who caused or was affected the events. So I started taking steps. So far so good.

So, moving from conscious incompetence to conscious competence, as far as approaching and respectfully handling other people goes - you learn to fix the kinks in your past behaviour and what to accept or not, both from yourself and others.

And THIS is where the post title comes sneaking in. Knife raised and all.

The upside of consciously realizing that you've got a lot to work on to improve yourself is that you start recognizing when you've made progress, leading to better self-esteem. The downside of consciously seeking those kinks in yourself is that you might start finding kinks in others too. Usually, the more similar they are to your own, the less patience you have for them. If the problem is tangible enough and the time is right, you might tell that person to their face how you feel and get acceptance in return, making you both better.

But the devil is in the details, in this case the very very small kinks... Granted, I have a part in things - usually the scenario will be about a friend who I've known for long without commenting said kink-in-personality to their face, so of course the smaller the kink, the less reason to say anything... Until the 554th time it happens, I start expecting /dreading it of them, and start to boil about (it in anticipation!) before anything has happened, and explode at the drop of a hat.
(Most people would recognize this as a destructive tendency worthy of George Costanza. Not I.)


Cumulating impatience is the psyche's horror-film string section doing a crescendo before the anticipated kill.

And suddenly I turn around and realize that I have a superiority complex following in my tracks, because even if the realization has dawned upon me that I think I know better, my reasoning says I really think I do because recent experience says that I learned something last time and should know better. So why should I accept the thing that annoys me when I recognize it as compromising to me? I've gone round that corner, I won't go back.

EDIT: Just to clarify: I usually realize then and there, while those S.C. thoughts arise, that I'm getting dangerously close to throwing rocks in a glass house, which is the most classic stupid thing you can do, but there you are...

At the same time I remember that someone who thought she knew better than me grew impatient with me and killed our friendship because of it, without saying anything to warn me. There was no escape.

So there I stand, not wanting to be discovered with rock in hand, because I don't want to believe I could do that too... but the evidence is beginning to point towards me. Impatience chords are sounding.

I haven't realized it, but... Am I alone?

It's a psychological thriller, this growing up business.


EDIT 2: I'll admit to having been a bit edgy since I wrote this post. I just found out why. I have actually backed around this corner, and have now bumped into some people I know here (thanks F! ;) who've been here a while. I realize that the problem was that I was looking at who I left behind as I went round it...